To Count The Stars
by DragonUk
Summary: A short and sweet fic set just before Kratos leaves for DerrisKharlan. Tissues alert.


**AN: Firstly, i do not own tales of Symphonia. If i did, Kratos would never had left and I'd know the name of that blasted tree. Bah Humbug.**

**Secondly, in my opinion, grab a hanky. **_sniffle_

**To Count The Stars**

These are our final moments. It pains me, to know that this will be the last time I can lay my eyes on you. You're only a boy, and I feel like I both know you, and do not. I could curse the days I was unable to spend with you, to get to know you. It's only the little things, like to know your favourite colour and favourite food, that I regret not knowing the most. Imagining them cannot be the same, as I have now met you whereas before I simply imagined you were still alive.

Those were long, sleepless nights - consisting of tossing and turning and angered exasperated cries into the dark in which I dreamed. Of both of you of course. Over four thousand years I have lived, and I cannot remember a happier time than I spent with your mother, and later, you. In teaching you what I knew, even though you may have resented me at the time, I felt I was somehow making up, even just a microscopic part, of the time lost. I have learnt the hard way that time cannot be regained.

So therefore, it is best to make the most of it while you still can - while the whim takes you to unknown places that you would never even dream of going. Izaoold… Asgard…. A high mountain or a quiet coastal corner with only the constant sound of lapping waves to drown out childish laughter. I wish I could laugh and play now, like I did before as I tossed a screaming child into the air and watched him laugh as I caught him again.

You're too big to play with now, I don't believe that I can catch if you were to fall. There is no Anna clutching her side in mirth as you perform your silly, carefree antics, unaware that we were running.

Have I ever stopped? I feel as if I'm always running from something; Mithos… My past… You. It is not right to say that I am running from you, although it feels as if it is. These quiet moments between us, staring out across the ocean, remind me of the times we used to stare at the stars. You, you use to try and count them, your childish interpretations of numbers always awed me. How could something so small, be interested in something such as the stars? You were not, like I imagine most children of two years, just interested in their radiance, but were more concerned of the shear number - intent only on counting every one. It seems petty now, that that is something that sticks in my mind.

I don't think you understand that I have no choice… If I could, I would stay. I would be by your side. I'd use every waking moment watching you finish your growth. Watch you become a man. I'd father you, listen to you. Love you even. I'd take a chance at everything I've missed. Because those were the things that haunted me, years after I though you were mauled by monsters. I wept for days after that night. Torn apart. It was my fault Anna was killed, that I lost you. It was my fault and mine alone. It was my fault you cannot remember her.

I'm sure, had you properly met her and remembered her, you would love her. Just as I did. I know you already love her… But if you met her now… Your love would be instantaneous. She had a carefree and mischievous smile with wonderful green eyes- which I have noticed, your imitate the shape of; although your colour is most definitely mine - and a bell like, light laugh that would make my heart soar. She loved life, preferring the outdoors and travel than staying inside. Not that she had much of a choice, we were always on the run. She was not perfect, for she could be stubborn and savage if provoked, but it added to her charm and grace. I truly did love her…

… I hear you sigh beside me, and I decide that if I do not leave now - the temptation to stay will overwhelm me. "Lloyd… I must leave for Derris-Kharlan." My words are quiet, for I wish that they had never been spoken. But what is done is done, and my crime has been committed, for a brief moment pain crosses your face. You only nod, and stand up, waiting for me to follow before heading towards the derelict tower of Salvation.

"Alright, let's go then." Just like your mother, a brave, indifferent front. At least I hope it is. I cannot bare to think…

In silence we walk, and too soon the tower of Salvation looms before us. A thousand times it seemed I thought about opening my mouth. A thousand times I closed it again, and walked - almost alone.

"Do you really need to go?" You ask, as we stand atop the steps of the great tower, once a symbol of hope and salvation . "Can't you just stay?"

I shook my head, showing none of the conflicting emotions. "No, as an Angel of Cruxis it is my duty to go with Derris-Kharlan where ever it may go. As long as an angel like I remains here… Salvation cannot be achieved. I hope you understand."

You nodded, although it was clear that you did not understand, or if you did, you did not want to believe it.

"Now please, use the Great sword to send both Derris-Kharlan and I away…"

I had to end it, the conflict in his face was tearing me to pieces. He was trying to be brave, stubborn. Like Anna.

"Alright… If you're sure… If… There's no other way…"

I shook my head, convincing myself there wasn't. "No, it must be done." I stepped onto the transporter, determined not to relent. Determined not to take the easy root out.

"Well…" he began. " This is good bye then…" I'm sorry. I want to stay. I want to watch you grow. I never want to take my eyes off you… I want to tell you stories of Anna, of our short time together. I want to hear your story. I want to learn everything about how you grew up. I want to be your father.

He lifted the sword, taking a deep breath. I had to say it. Before it was too late. "I'm proud of you."

But I was already gone, before he could hear it. I felt again, like I had abandoned him. Left him alone in a world that I desperately wanted to call my home. That was once my home.

My existence suddenly seemed dull, knowing that you were as good as a million miles away. My dreams would never be fulfilled.

I just wish, however, that I had told you more before I left. There is a trait amongst us that is strong. We are all stubborn. Us. Our family.


End file.
